Simeon Kantstandyerbitz

Played by: Donovan Bollard

First appeared in: Mister Corbitt

A psychologist who works at the Miskatonic University with Dr. Shrimp Puerto Rico. Rescued his brother Timeon Kantstandyerbitz from a parallel universe in Keeper of the Ways. Murdered Mitch Larsen in The Hollows.

Psychology is a soft science. Everybody knows that.

In Mister Corbitt he is known as Dr. Simeon (also spelled Cantstandya in the episode synopses), a neighbor of Bernard Corbitt whose house is the investigators' usual meeting point. He lives with his wife, Mary Beth. Obsessed with the supernatural since seeing his younger brother vanish into a mirror, he is the investigators' scientist and its most reckless experimenter.

Season 1: Mister Corbitt

101: It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Simeon is at the gathering at Tallahassee Turner's house, and he and Tallahassee see what looks like a human hand when Corbitt drops one of his packages.

102: Neighborhood Watch

The night surveillance begins at his house. He vaults the fence with surprising athleticism, hides in Corbitt's greenhouse when the light comes on, and finds numerous exotic plants not native to the region.

103: Usual Suspects

He and Major Bakersfield go back into Corbitt's yard and into the house. They are caught on the staircase by a police officer and arrested with the others. The detectives also question Simeon at the station.

104: Attic Window

He hosts the group in his home. After the bone cannot be identified by repeated biology rolls and a long search of his library, he and Bakersfield take it to Dr. Puerto Rico at Miskatonic University.

105: Radical Medicine

He goes with Bakersfield to the army surplus store. When they find Tallahassee wandering naked under Corbitt's influence, he distracts him with a bizarre seductive dance while Bakersfield deploys the net. He is a shirtless man in suspenders in Tallahassee's hazy memories.

106: The Miskatonic Mangler

When the others bring back the occult book True Magic and a vial of neon-purple liquid from Tomaszewski's apartment, Simeon drinks the remaining liquid himself. It sends him to an alien astral realm of blasted landscape, multiple moons, jagged crystal growths and rose-colored lightning, where merely being there costs him Sanity and permanently increases his Cthulhu Mythos knowledge. True to form, he studies it, and pees on the crystals to see what happens. A towering spider-like monster charges him, impales him through the shoulder, and he escapes only by spending luck and stabbing it in the face with a jagged crystal shard. The episode ends with the creature leaping down on him.

107: Fates and Retribution

Back in the real world, invisible puncture wounds tear open his body and his shoulder dislocates. In the vision he stabs the creature in the eye and is pulled back into his body just before a fatal strike. He wakes on his kitchen floor with his wife entering the room to find him in a pool of blood. He is taken to the hospital with a separated shoulder and several stab wounds, and his arm is in a sling for about six weeks. The next morning he calls Dr. Gutierrez about the bone and the vial. Asked why he drank it, he says it was for science, and he tells the group why he is driven: when his younger brother was thirteen, he saw a flash of grayish-purple light from the mirror his brother was looking in and the boy was sucked in, and has not been seen since. (His brother is Timeon Kantstandyerbitz.) He proposes making Corbitt drink the vial. His wife, once told the whole story, becomes enthusiastic about the cause, and the group settles on breaking in once Corbitt leaves the house.

108: Head of the Beast

Simeon does not appear in the episode proper; he is credited in the introduction only.

109: For Whom the Dice Rolls

Simeon rides with Billy to bring the handcuffed Corbitt back to the house. In the basement, he is hit with a bout of temporary madness at the sight of the creature, and flees into the lab to smash the lights and cower in the dark, saying that "there is only safety in the dark". He recovers once the creature is dead. In the epilogue he returns to his wife with new affection and respect, and a badly shaken mind, needing time to recover from learning how much stranger reality is than he had imagined.

Notable quotes

• "I'm not a psychologist tonight."
• "No psychologists were injured in the recording of this episode."

In 203: A Night With No Moon he runs past the dead light in the cottage hallway, spending Luck on a Dodge against two tendrils that scorch the wall behind him. He then goes to the truck for dynamite and Dom's liquor to make a Molotov cocktail.

In 204: Night of the Living Dead Light he lights a Molotov cocktail in the back of the truck and takes two tendril hits from the dead light, which leaves him at two hit points until a lightning strike drives the light into the woods. At the cafe he demands to talk to Mary and later reads Jake with a psychology roll, finding that he is simply terrified.

In 205: Lights Out he stays behind in a booth at the cafe, tending to his wounds at two hit points, while the others go to the gas station.

In 301: No Rest for the Wicked he first suggests that the group take time to recover, but after the Major's story he rallies Tallahassee, asking whether he wants to live his adventures or just write about them, and vows to go forward whatever it takes. The Keeper notes that he may be able to treat Tallahassee's indefinite insanity with psychoanalysis.

In 302: The Huggening he repeatedly climbs out of the truck to use his Psychology on Mayor Jedediah Marsh and senses that the Mayor is hiding something, which leads the others to suggest that he be renamed "can't stay in the car." He stays at the Shofar newspaper office with Tallahassee to search the archives for missing persons reports.

In 303: The Grand Slam he searches the Shofar's archives and finds a June 27th, 1925 article about a "phantom fire" near the cemetery. His attempt to psychoanalyze the panicking Tallahassee fails with a roll of 92, and after seeing the photographs he loses 4 Sanity. He opens the door of Mordecai Shep's shack, reads aloud two of Corbitt's letters, concludes that Corbitt and Mordecai built a laboratory and practiced necromancy, and finally succeeds at a Spot Hidden in the tavern.

In 304: Pet, Cemetery his Psychology roll reveals that Percival Warthrop is lying when he claims to know nothing about monstrumology, and he later asks Percival whether he is thirsty for violence. At breakfast he chats up the widow Delilah Bevins, who tells him about her missing friend Hannah Russell, and he trades insults with her son Zachary, who calls psychology a soft science. When a hanged cat is found in the truck, he admits that he dreamed of a dead cat in the truck that spoke the word "Carcosa." At the cemetery, he makes a hard success on a Spot Hidden and finds smoke streaks around the door of J.G. Faust's tomb.

Appearances

• 101: It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
• 102: Neighborhood Watch
• 103: Usual Suspects
• 104: Attic Window
• 105: Radical Medicine
• 106: The Miskatonic Mangler
• 107: Fates and Retribution
• 109: For Whom the Dice Rolls
• 201: Wrong Place at the Wrong Time
• 202: The Good Doctor
• 203: A Night With No Moon
• 204: Night of the Living Dead Light
• 205: Lights Out
• 301: No Rest for the Wicked
• 302: The Huggening
• 303: The Grand Slam
• 304: Pet, Cemetery