307: Smooth Criminal

Synopsis

The episode picks up where 306: Cellar Door left off. In the back of the truck at the Russell farm, Billy, Dr. Simeon and Percival Warthrop are still working through the burned notes from Corbitt's laboratory. Billy has the general research notes, Dr. Simeon the fragment covered in runes, and Percival the anatomy sketches. Gunshots from near the barn interrupt them, so they set the papers down and run toward the sound. Dr. Simeon races Billy there. They find Major Bakersfield, covered in the creature's blood, coming up out of the root cellar. He leads them down to the small headless creature that he and Tallahassee killed. Tallahassee unloaded his revolver into it after realizing it was not Rondo Corto. Percival is baffled to find no bite marks on Tallahassee's shoulder until he feels the skin under the torn clothes, which his Flesh Ward has left hard and pristine.

The group hauls the body into the daylight for a proper look. It is about three to four feet tall, wiry and heavily muscled, with long claws, large dark eyes near the shoulders and a great-white mouth set in its chest. It also has no reproductive organs at all. Percival says that he has seen creatures like this in the area before. Those earlier creatures, he explains, were natural monsters brought in from another country, which led to "a whole fiasco." This one, however, appears to be a different species created by Corbitt. As a man of science, he is deeply disturbed that something so similar could be happening again. He judges the creature to be an adolescent. He reasons that it could not have done all the damage to the livestock and the family by itself, so there are probably more of them nearby. Billy succeeds at Spot Hidden and Listen and finds scattered livestock remains and blood smears around the farm, which look roughly two weeks old. Billy also hears what might be a distant car. A search of the barn turns up only more animal remains. Dom fumbles his roll and gets lost on the way to the barn. The Keeper reminds the group that Hannah Russell and her family lived on the farm.

Percival performs an autopsy on the spot while the others help. Once he finishes, he can point out the creature's vital organs, which will let the group bypass the creatures' armor in future fights. Dr. Simeon has identified the runes on the burned fragment as binding runes, and Bakersfield confirms it from his own study of the spellbooks. The page is incomplete, though. To fully understand the spell and perhaps use it, they would have to see the runes carved on the original creature. With everyone's help, Billy pieces together fourteen years of notes kept by Bernard Corbitt and Mordecai Shep. According to the notes, the creature is aggressive, territorial and endlessly hungry. If it is fed enough, it goes into a brief hibernation and then regurgitates a sac containing an infant. The offspring are not genetically identical to the parent and may take on traits from whatever it ate. The notes also explain that Corbitt carved binding runes into the creature after an Arkham associate mentioned wizards who could bind creatures to their will. The runes gave him enough control that he and Mordecai could take it outside the laboratory to exercise it at a nearby abandoned mental hospital, the Motley Hill Sanatorium. The fire was on June 27, and it is now around September 15, nearly three months later. Percival knows where the asylum is, about 45 minutes to the north and west. After debating whether to take the body back to town and confront the mayor, the group decides to go to the sanatorium. They throw the creature into the back of the truck, and around 2 p.m. Billy drives off with Percival up front giving directions. Tallahassee's Flesh Ward should hold until about 9:30 the next morning.

Funny Moments

• Percival keeps asking whether the diamond-shoulder story is "a bit" the others have been rehearsing down in the cellar.
• Tallahassee confirms that he unloaded his revolver into the creature by shouting "Take that Rondo."
• Percival claims that the root cellar was his childhood home and the bassinet his "baby bed," which leads to Goldilocks jokes and "My bed is just right."
• Tallahassee takes off his "diamond shirt" and spins in circles like a disco ball.
• Everyone calls dibs on a part of the body to carry, and someone claims the crotch.
• The creature turns out to be "a smoothie down there," which someone compares to a Ken doll.
• Dom's "real question in the real line of the story" is whether the earlier creatures were smoothies too. The Keeper replies, "I hate you guys so much."
• Dom fumbles his Spot Hidden and gets lost on the way to the barn.
• Dom suggests pulling down the mayor's pants to see whether he is a smoothie, and someone answers, "Druncard you're a genius."

Notable Quotes

• "Is this, is this, is this like a bit?" —Percival Warthrop
• "Why it's pristine and hard as if it's made of diamonds." —Percival Warthrop
• "When you're detective, you gotta put your sensitivities aside, Kantstandyerbitz." —Billy McConnell
• "I am a psychologist. And I'm kind of drunk." —Simeon Kantstandyerbitz
• "I'm a man of science. I prefer to keep my theories grounded in science." —Percival Warthrop
• "You found out because I told you." —Major Bakersfield
• "Just to pull his pants down and see if he's a smoothie." —Dom Druncard